You see that little widget over to the right there Ralph? The one that says "About Me" then has a picture of a half-blind cat? Apparently it has a character limit. I had something nice up there originally with everything you needed to know about me, along with some things you probably didn't need to know, a few things you probably shouldn't need to know and quite a few things you probably didn't want to know but because you're polite you read anyway. There were so many words there and they all helped to weave a magical tale of exactly how I came to be.
Can you guess how I figured out that there was a character limit on that About Me section?
If you answered "There should be a notice somewhere that shows you before you end up writing what equates to being the Homer's Odyssey of About Me's" then Google believes you're as functionally retarded and textually-verbose as I am. You are also wrong.
If you answered "You probably got an error message saying there was too many characters, to hit back and try again", you either work for Google or should work for Google, because you're a thinking man's Ralph and that's who they hire.
If you then guessed that I did hit back, only to find my browser crash and reopen to an empty page with no backup copy of my self-describing avalanche of words - you are either psychic or or have already read this entry (I'm glad that you wanted to read this again instead of doing something important).
Seeing as how I'm pretty sure actual blog posts hold no limit, or none that I've reached in my years of endlessly rambling on about what kind of pie I like (pumpkin), coupled with the fact I am now saving this after every sentence both online and on a notepad file - here is my 'About Me' (abridged version).
My name is Jamie. I am exactly 8147 days old, although I'm pretty sure that number won't stay relevant for long. I am not, as my profile picture would lead you to believe, a half-blind cat who enjoys sitting in the sun and staring angrily with his one good eye at nothing in particular.
I have long dark brown hair that used to be so dark it was bordering on black, but now has chosen to be slightly lighter out of it's own free will. My eyes are also brown, although not entirely - some parts of it are white, and some are black. Just outside of these eyes are eyelashes that I've been told are quite long, they are so long in fact, girls have wanted to "kill me and take my eyelashes one by one and glue them on to their own eyelids".
The world is a scary place - I am not the world, I am not scary nor am I a physical location. I certainly don't have billions of things running around on me trying to "kill boys and take their eyelashes one by one and glue them on to their own eyelids".
My eyebrows are also brown, and they sit atop a rather large brow-ridge, which I get from my father's side of the family (more on that later). If I tilt my head down and look up while furrowing my brow I can look rather angry or determined - I am never really either of these things, but looking this way helps sometimes.
I have a nose, that's something most people have that everyone has a different one of. Mine is different because I decided it would be a good idea to fly headfirst into an old oil heater. I then decided in my infinite wisdom several years later I should ram my face headfirst into some floor. My nose has a small bump that noses get when they've been broken.
A mouth, I've got one of those as well - mine has a slight underbite that makes my lower lip look smaller than my upper lip, I was once teased about this, but only for a short while. The other child soon realised how stupid it was to laugh at something that nobody else noticed or had already gotten used to.
I am about average height, not too tall but not short. If I was to guess I'd say "I'm around 175 centimetres", and go on with my day. This changes when I sit however, as most of my height comes from my legs. I can tower above you while we walk together but when we sit I could possibly be the same height as you.
I do not really enjoy sitting, as I have an extended coccyx. I prefer to use the word coccyx rather than tailbone because I like making people feel awkward for a brief moment as they try to figure out if my penis is somehow larger. I also like telling people this because sometimes it prompts questions like "Do you have a little tail?" or "Does it wag when you're happy?" The answers to these are "no" and "I don't know what happy is".
I am rather skinny, and will stay this way for a very long time. This is because I have an abnormally fast metabolism, this also means I need to eat a lot otherwise I can lose weight and become unhealthy. The last time I weighed myself (Sunday) I was 51 kilograms - this has also made girls want to kill me and in retrospect I probably shouldn't tell this fact to anyone anymore, especially over dinner.
Because of how I look I have the uncanny ability to always look stoned while at the same time maintaining a record of never being stoned. This makes my extremely common trips to 7-11 at three in the morning a lot less awkward, as the guy at the counter doesn't feel the need to talk to me and instead just scans the 6 kinder surprises I just bought through.
Another thing contributing to this is my condition as a chronic insomniac, something I've had since I was around 10. This insomnia was caused by a few things, like seeing my sister trying to kill herself, holding a stranger in my arms as he died and most recently, watching my grandmother lose her battle with cancer. There are some things that have made this condition bearable, and those same things have also eased the severity of it.
I have learned meditation, but not to be more spiritual - I learned the science behind it to help me repair my body while I cannot sleep. I use the meditation process as a way to shut my body down entirely and slow my heart rate, which I guess tricks my body into thinking it is asleep.
I hallucinate heavily, which is an odd thing to say, given my lack of drug use. This is again due to the insomnia. The hallucinations seem to match my mood nowadays, like I have some sort of control over them. If I'm worried or depressed they will be dark shadows, darting from side to side to swallow me whole. If I'm feeling hopeful or happy they will be fairies, and animals such as owls.
I used to get really vivid hallucinations, mixed in with feats of sleep paralysis. I would not be able to move as hundreds of metal spiders crawled across my back and cut into me with their razor-edged legs. I have had a ghost scream and then run right through me, throwing me to the wall. I have hallucinated a giant monsterised Pac-Man chasing ghosts around the streets of my house.
I am smart. I have an IQ of 180. I try not to tell anyone because even though I have such a high IQ it does not make me good at things like science or maths. Instead, I can understand things better. I can take something apart and put it back together and know roughly how it works. I can look at something that is broken and tell you what is wrong with it. I sometimes do this with people - they don't like being told they are broken. I am smart but I am in no way clever.
I am nice, and when I die people will probably say "He was nice", among other things at my funeral. I do things without asking for anything in return, and even when someone does the same to me I return the favour three-fold. I am nice because I believe one day, someone will take notice of how nice I am and return the favour back to me in the same manner. My belief in this is not that strong however as I tend to not rely on others even when I do need the help.
I am in love, but I do not expect these feelings to be returned, I know there is no chance of that happening and I am for the most part okay with this. In the meantime I will be a friend, helping her out whenever she needs help, making her feel better whenever she feels down, keeping her days exciting so she'll have something to remember. I will fight for her, but only if she needs me to. I would even go so far as to say I'd die for her, but with me that technically isn't going very far. Eventually these feelings will fade as one person drifts from the other into another but for the moment I am content exactly with where I am and with what I am - hopeful.
I treat every relationship I have as if it were my last, and I genuinely mean everything I say and do within the relationship. This isn't because of some life motto I read and then took as my own, like those people who go out and enjoy life while saying "live every day like it's your last". I have been surrounded by death for a long time, and will probably not be so lucky every time I face him.
When I was born I was dropped on my head, which could have caused paralysis at the very least. At age 7 I fell out of the top of a tree and hit my head on the corner of a brick with enough force to crack my skull open. At age 15 I drank so much I blacked out and woke up in the middle of a highway. Again at age 15 I overshot a double backflip while skating and severely disabled my knees to the point of nearly breaking them. At age 16 I refused to go on a holiday in which I would have ridden in a car that had it's back seat completely totalled, killing whoever was in it. At age 16 again I was nearly killed in the middle of a gang fight. At age 19 I was involved in a car accident with two other cards and a truck, all going 70 km/hour. At age 22 I passed out in the middle of a street after not sleeping for 22 days, I was rushed to hospital where I died and was revived. I am extremely lucky.
I enjoy things that the average geeky male my age would. I play videogames, but I talk about them more than I actually play them, I'm in a band - but it probably doesn't count because I play bass, I talk about the internet a lot, I correct grammar mistakes and hate my 15 year old self "coz he used to talk lyk dis". I listen to music, most of it groove oriented. I'm going to start skating again, and I'm buying a new board tomorrow just for it.
I am okay at writing, or at least that's what I've been told. I'd like to believe it because it's one of the only things I actually enjoy doing - right now I have stayed back for exactly three hours at work, just to wait for everyone to leave so I can write this. I am creative in a way, I can think of endless ideas for drawings, comics, videos, and animations - however my hands cannot keep up with my mind and the results of these more physical works look less like my idea fully realised and more like my idea as drawn by a two-year old.
I like to sit and think about things, I do this quite a lot actually - even when I have company over or I am over someone's house as their company. It makes me quiet but in all honestly I kind of like being quite. It means I can listen to other people and be more observant of them, what they talk about and how they move. If they ask me something I can give them an answer but in most cases I will only think about what I want to say instead of just saying it.
I am not terribly interesting, and I will end this here.
Goodnight.
Can you guess how I figured out that there was a character limit on that About Me section?
If you answered "There should be a notice somewhere that shows you before you end up writing what equates to being the Homer's Odyssey of About Me's" then Google believes you're as functionally retarded and textually-verbose as I am. You are also wrong.
If you answered "You probably got an error message saying there was too many characters, to hit back and try again", you either work for Google or should work for Google, because you're a thinking man's Ralph and that's who they hire.
If you then guessed that I did hit back, only to find my browser crash and reopen to an empty page with no backup copy of my self-describing avalanche of words - you are either psychic or or have already read this entry (I'm glad that you wanted to read this again instead of doing something important).
Seeing as how I'm pretty sure actual blog posts hold no limit, or none that I've reached in my years of endlessly rambling on about what kind of pie I like (pumpkin), coupled with the fact I am now saving this after every sentence both online and on a notepad file - here is my 'About Me' (abridged version).
My name is Jamie. I am exactly 8147 days old, although I'm pretty sure that number won't stay relevant for long. I am not, as my profile picture would lead you to believe, a half-blind cat who enjoys sitting in the sun and staring angrily with his one good eye at nothing in particular.
I have long dark brown hair that used to be so dark it was bordering on black, but now has chosen to be slightly lighter out of it's own free will. My eyes are also brown, although not entirely - some parts of it are white, and some are black. Just outside of these eyes are eyelashes that I've been told are quite long, they are so long in fact, girls have wanted to "kill me and take my eyelashes one by one and glue them on to their own eyelids".
The world is a scary place - I am not the world, I am not scary nor am I a physical location. I certainly don't have billions of things running around on me trying to "kill boys and take their eyelashes one by one and glue them on to their own eyelids".
My eyebrows are also brown, and they sit atop a rather large brow-ridge, which I get from my father's side of the family (more on that later). If I tilt my head down and look up while furrowing my brow I can look rather angry or determined - I am never really either of these things, but looking this way helps sometimes.
I have a nose, that's something most people have that everyone has a different one of. Mine is different because I decided it would be a good idea to fly headfirst into an old oil heater. I then decided in my infinite wisdom several years later I should ram my face headfirst into some floor. My nose has a small bump that noses get when they've been broken.
A mouth, I've got one of those as well - mine has a slight underbite that makes my lower lip look smaller than my upper lip, I was once teased about this, but only for a short while. The other child soon realised how stupid it was to laugh at something that nobody else noticed or had already gotten used to.
I am about average height, not too tall but not short. If I was to guess I'd say "I'm around 175 centimetres", and go on with my day. This changes when I sit however, as most of my height comes from my legs. I can tower above you while we walk together but when we sit I could possibly be the same height as you.
I do not really enjoy sitting, as I have an extended coccyx. I prefer to use the word coccyx rather than tailbone because I like making people feel awkward for a brief moment as they try to figure out if my penis is somehow larger. I also like telling people this because sometimes it prompts questions like "Do you have a little tail?" or "Does it wag when you're happy?" The answers to these are "no" and "I don't know what happy is".
I am rather skinny, and will stay this way for a very long time. This is because I have an abnormally fast metabolism, this also means I need to eat a lot otherwise I can lose weight and become unhealthy. The last time I weighed myself (Sunday) I was 51 kilograms - this has also made girls want to kill me and in retrospect I probably shouldn't tell this fact to anyone anymore, especially over dinner.
Because of how I look I have the uncanny ability to always look stoned while at the same time maintaining a record of never being stoned. This makes my extremely common trips to 7-11 at three in the morning a lot less awkward, as the guy at the counter doesn't feel the need to talk to me and instead just scans the 6 kinder surprises I just bought through.
Another thing contributing to this is my condition as a chronic insomniac, something I've had since I was around 10. This insomnia was caused by a few things, like seeing my sister trying to kill herself, holding a stranger in my arms as he died and most recently, watching my grandmother lose her battle with cancer. There are some things that have made this condition bearable, and those same things have also eased the severity of it.
I have learned meditation, but not to be more spiritual - I learned the science behind it to help me repair my body while I cannot sleep. I use the meditation process as a way to shut my body down entirely and slow my heart rate, which I guess tricks my body into thinking it is asleep.
I hallucinate heavily, which is an odd thing to say, given my lack of drug use. This is again due to the insomnia. The hallucinations seem to match my mood nowadays, like I have some sort of control over them. If I'm worried or depressed they will be dark shadows, darting from side to side to swallow me whole. If I'm feeling hopeful or happy they will be fairies, and animals such as owls.
I used to get really vivid hallucinations, mixed in with feats of sleep paralysis. I would not be able to move as hundreds of metal spiders crawled across my back and cut into me with their razor-edged legs. I have had a ghost scream and then run right through me, throwing me to the wall. I have hallucinated a giant monsterised Pac-Man chasing ghosts around the streets of my house.
I am smart. I have an IQ of 180. I try not to tell anyone because even though I have such a high IQ it does not make me good at things like science or maths. Instead, I can understand things better. I can take something apart and put it back together and know roughly how it works. I can look at something that is broken and tell you what is wrong with it. I sometimes do this with people - they don't like being told they are broken. I am smart but I am in no way clever.
I am nice, and when I die people will probably say "He was nice", among other things at my funeral. I do things without asking for anything in return, and even when someone does the same to me I return the favour three-fold. I am nice because I believe one day, someone will take notice of how nice I am and return the favour back to me in the same manner. My belief in this is not that strong however as I tend to not rely on others even when I do need the help.
I am in love, but I do not expect these feelings to be returned, I know there is no chance of that happening and I am for the most part okay with this. In the meantime I will be a friend, helping her out whenever she needs help, making her feel better whenever she feels down, keeping her days exciting so she'll have something to remember. I will fight for her, but only if she needs me to. I would even go so far as to say I'd die for her, but with me that technically isn't going very far. Eventually these feelings will fade as one person drifts from the other into another but for the moment I am content exactly with where I am and with what I am - hopeful.
I treat every relationship I have as if it were my last, and I genuinely mean everything I say and do within the relationship. This isn't because of some life motto I read and then took as my own, like those people who go out and enjoy life while saying "live every day like it's your last". I have been surrounded by death for a long time, and will probably not be so lucky every time I face him.
When I was born I was dropped on my head, which could have caused paralysis at the very least. At age 7 I fell out of the top of a tree and hit my head on the corner of a brick with enough force to crack my skull open. At age 15 I drank so much I blacked out and woke up in the middle of a highway. Again at age 15 I overshot a double backflip while skating and severely disabled my knees to the point of nearly breaking them. At age 16 I refused to go on a holiday in which I would have ridden in a car that had it's back seat completely totalled, killing whoever was in it. At age 16 again I was nearly killed in the middle of a gang fight. At age 19 I was involved in a car accident with two other cards and a truck, all going 70 km/hour. At age 22 I passed out in the middle of a street after not sleeping for 22 days, I was rushed to hospital where I died and was revived. I am extremely lucky.
I enjoy things that the average geeky male my age would. I play videogames, but I talk about them more than I actually play them, I'm in a band - but it probably doesn't count because I play bass, I talk about the internet a lot, I correct grammar mistakes and hate my 15 year old self "coz he used to talk lyk dis". I listen to music, most of it groove oriented. I'm going to start skating again, and I'm buying a new board tomorrow just for it.
I am okay at writing, or at least that's what I've been told. I'd like to believe it because it's one of the only things I actually enjoy doing - right now I have stayed back for exactly three hours at work, just to wait for everyone to leave so I can write this. I am creative in a way, I can think of endless ideas for drawings, comics, videos, and animations - however my hands cannot keep up with my mind and the results of these more physical works look less like my idea fully realised and more like my idea as drawn by a two-year old.
I like to sit and think about things, I do this quite a lot actually - even when I have company over or I am over someone's house as their company. It makes me quiet but in all honestly I kind of like being quite. It means I can listen to other people and be more observant of them, what they talk about and how they move. If they ask me something I can give them an answer but in most cases I will only think about what I want to say instead of just saying it.
I am not terribly interesting, and I will end this here.
Goodnight.
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