Closure.

Certain things have happened in the past week that have forced me to look at my place in the universe a little closer - what I do, what I've done, what I'm capable of. I've come to terms with a lot of it and I've come to terms with the fact I'll never be able to understand the rest of it as well. This was a hard thing for me to actually do.

You see Ralph, I'm an analyst - and I'm rather clever at it. I can read people like open books if you give me five minutes with them, either alone or in a whole bunch of people. I know I seem arrogant right now but it's an entire truth. I've never been surprised by someone's answer to a question, and I can tell what people are feeling just by sitting with them in an awkward silence.

This is where I say "As easy as other people are to read, I'm more of an enigma". This is complete and utter bullshit, if someone ever tells you this feel free to slap them in their liar face for me. Everyone can be read, as long as you're willing to pay attention. Everyone has certain things they do when they're feeling different emotions.

Foregoing these habits that I've already performed (The deletion of facebook to warrant people asking if I'm okay, and the standard reply of "Yeah I'm good" that nobody ever believes) I've decided to just up and tell you my problems, on one condition.

You must never tell anyone or discuss it with them.

This rule may be a little hard to follow, but please use your best judgement.

If we're cool now, I'll tell you about my week.

Sit down Ralph, shit is going to get heavy, because I am depressed and I write a fuckload when I'm depressed.



Saturday was an alright day for me, I hadn't slept in a week but this was common for me. I pretty much did nothing until aroud 5, when I met up with Steph and her friends. I'd like to think these people are my friends as well, but I don't have the time to refer to everyone by names so we'll keep it to her friends. We went to Newtown and had a decent Thai dinner then headed off to a gig inside a warehouse. Only we ended up going to a gig next to the warehouse and watching a lovely little band play their mandolin, banjo and guitar. We eventually corrected ourselves and went to the correct gig right next door and while the people were friendly there I would have much rather been at the other gig with decent musicians playing. Probably the only upside I encountered in the warehouse gig was that it was indoors and away from mosquitos, and that Steph was there with me, both which I'm guessing could have been resolved by liberal application of mosquito repellant. A short while into the second act of the show (during which I heavily considered euthanasia as a means to stop the performers apparent suffering) we decided to call it a night and head home.

From here we parted ways with two of Steph's friends, and then I dropped the remaining one at the station. After a little navigational error Steph and I were back on our way to the city, where some more navigational errors occured (Don't ever turn a street early in the city, it's like entering a labyrinth filled with lime jelly). Finally I got to park my car at work and we walked back to my place, where we watched exactly half an episode of doctor who and then slept.

Let me tell you something about lonely insomniacs. They'll tell you that there is no way for them to sleep ever, they've tried pills and tiring themselves out, all to no avail. You put an incredibly attractive girl that they're comfortable with in their bed and give them the opportunity to cuddle them and they'll fall asleep almost instantly. That's all they need - no sex, no pills, no being beaten unconscious and awaking with a terrible headache. Just one person for them to snuggle up to and bam! they'll be out like a light. There is nothing quite like the feeling of another human being pressed up against you and in your arms.

So I wake up Sunday morning feeling extremely refreshed and satisfied. I made Steph some terrible breakfast and we watched some Freaks and Geeks until she decided to head home. I walked her to the bus and then followed up on plans made the previous day to go to the beach. These plans fell through, as I figured they would, so I decided to drive back to Fairfield and figure out what I was doing from there. As it stands I spent the majority of the day with Adam, Emma and Mish watching New Girl, which is a documentary about the life and death (I'm assuming this is how the series ends) of Zooey Deschanel. I go home that night feeling alright, even knowing that Steph would probably not contact me afterwards unless I instigate a conversation (I haven't gotten around to this just yet) with her. I fall asleep again, the smell of girl still in my bed (I am a terrible person).

Monday I wake up late and run to the toilet. I vomit and then pass out.

I wake up again an hour later on the bathroom floor, my head sore from falling and hitting it on the shower. I vomit some more and decide that I probably shouldn't go to work today. I end up going out for half an hour to get an adapter for my internet (that still isn't working) then coming home to pass out again. I wake up a little bit before my sister gets home and pretend I just got home as well. I can be incredibly good at hiding the truth from people when I want to be.

For the entire time my sister is awake I don't vomit at all, through sheer force of will and lots of water - looking back that was probably a mistake. Sometime during the night I got a call that my dog Maggie was incredibly sick and had diabetes, and she was most probably going to be put down. As soon as my sister had gone to bed I decided to deactivate my facebook, to casually walk to the hospital and vomit in the emergency room, then pass out and die. This gave me the perfect reason to be admitted into the hospital so I just went with it as I blacked out. I'm not entirely sure why I did this either - I guess I just sort of knew that's where I should be at the time.

For the second time in 5 months I died, and for the second time in 5 months I was revived. I was a little bit more lucid this time and when I came through I was told I had died again. I casually asked if I had beaten my old record, which got a laugh from a doctor and two nurses at separate times during the morning. It turns out I had in fact beaten my record and gone from 9 minutes and something seconds of being dead to 14 minutes and something seconds of being dead - something that should have left me with some brain damage I was told.

I went back the next night to get the results of all the tests they had done and I was informed that I was pretty much fighting fit, save for the dying twice part. They took away my Ambien and told me to tough out sleeping naturally again, without the influence of drugs. They also informed me that I was skating on pretty thin ice, and that if I kept this sleeping pattern up I'd be lucky to see the end of the year.

This hit me like a tonne of bricks. While I'd like to be the optimist in this situation and tell everyone that I'm going to overcome this and change I'm more than likely going to keep my sleeping habits and possibly die sometime this year. Don't cry though Ralph - I'm completely fine with the idea of dying, and before I do I'll make sure to give each person close to me something memorable. I won't leave any debts behind and I'll try to make sure nobody is sad at the idea.

In reality I'd like to hide away from everyone and be forgotten, so people can ask later on "Hey what happened to that Jamie Derp Derp guy? He was alright" - they'd look me up but never be able to get a hold of me and they'd assume I'd just left the country and become uncontactable. That way no one is sad, since they're already used to the idea that I'm not there anymore. While I'd love to do this I know that I can't, and the idea of hiding away seems both selfish and an act of self-harm, people are too used to me being around. The day after I deleted facebook I got exactly one message asking if I was okay. I didn't bother to answer the question because I didn't feel like lying.

So instead of going out quietly, I'm going to do a couple of things - not many things mind you, but enough to keep me occupied. These are the things. right here.

• Go out and spend time with every one of my friends individually, do something memorable with them.
• Continue writing, post something every week.
• Continue taking shitty photos, making sure that I fill up my 365 project.
• Start a weekly DnD game, with a meetup once a week.
• Write an unofficial will.
• Get that turned into an official will.
• Not die (third time's the charm!)

I think I'll start with the unofficial will.

Tim, Uly. You get to share my snowboard, blades and jumping stilts. Don't hurt yourself. You also get to split my magic cards, don't hurt each other.
Dani, you get my books and toys. I'm sure you'll enjoy most of them and end up making one really kickass toy-movie.
Rania, you get my camera. It's only slightly better than yours but I'm sure with your expertise you'll get a full use out of it.
Elisha, you get all my stuffed things. I recently acquired some new squishies as well!
Andrea, you get my red book. This has my entire life story in it, and it contains secrets.
Stephanie, you get my other books. These are the stories that I probably won't have finished by the time I die - feel free to continue them.
Logan, you get my bass amp, although I'm not sure what you'd do with a left handed bass I know that you'll put the amp to good use.
Rachael, you get my Munnies - make them pretty.
Kianie, you get Asuka (if you can take her). I know how much you want a cat that looks like Katapatra.
Adam, you get my computer and all of its contents.
Emma, you get Adam.


I want to be cremated. There will be no funeral service. Instead please find an old bowling alley and work some of the ash into the ashtrays at each lane. Have an old lady point at a picture of me while repeatedly yelling "Fuck this guy!". Have twelve ugly children each roll a gutterball. The rest of my ashes should be sent out into space while the star wars theme is played.

I was going to start serialising a story I have here but I think I'll start it out next week. I don't want to change the tone of this post too much. I will however reactivate Facebook and pretend everything is fine.

If you feel sort of upset at the prospect of this please don't make it public, just send me a message and I'll talk to you.

I write again on Thursday.